Ch. 1: What Do Women Really Want?

• Women want trustworthiness. Trust is built through emotional connection. Emotional connection is created with attunement.
• ATtUNE:
1. Attend: give your undivided attention. “Attention equals affection. Attention is ultimately how you express love.” (8)
20. Turn toward: physically turn toward her, and look her in the eyes.
21. Understand: the goal is to understand why she is feeling this way, and understanding is developed by asking questions.
14. Non-defensively listen: her feelings are real, do not minimize, make excuses or attack (if about you). This does not mean that you necessarily have to agree, but she needs to be able to express how she feels. (The men who could “down-regulate” their reactions were the ones who had great relationships.)
5. Empathize: understanding is intellectual, empathy is emotional. If you can empathize with her she will feel safe and heard. You do not necessarily have to agree, and there can be discussion about that later, but she needs to feel safe and heard.
• Boys resolve negative emotions to keep playing the game together. (Ex: a boy cries playing a game, another boy asks what is wrong, he says he never gets the ball, so the other one says that he gets the ball this time; problem resolved, game goes on.) Girls use negative emotions as an opportunity for connection; in fact, the game is completely secondary.
• “Emotions are not a problem for girls. They are a good thing, an opportunity for intimacy. To girls, expressing the feelings requires taking a risk, opening up, and trusting one another.” (16) In fact, to women there are no negative emotions, just emotions.

Ch. 2: A Mind of Her Own

• Men and women’s brains do not have observable difference from the outside (other than men’s tend to be 10% large, only because men entire bodies are generally 10% larger), but there are substantial differences in rhythm and fear.
• Rhythm: a woman’s hormonal cycle (which may be from 20 to 40 days, not just 28) determines what woman she is today. Women are typically more outgoing and friendly in the first half, and more irritable, stressed, but also more interior and creative, in the second half. Women typically want more alone time while menstruating. Women can want someone more aggressive while ovulating but more nurturing at other times. But the intensity is different for every woman. The key thing is that you need to be attentive to who she is and what she needs today.
• Fear: men feel afraid for their physical well-being once in a decade or two; women feel that way every time they walk through a parking garage. Women have deeper trauma than men to the same event. And women and men react differently: a man is likely to get angry at the one who is making him feel unsafe, while women felt fear. But in one study, when happily married women held their husbands hands, the fear response went away completely (only partially if not happily married, and a stranger / no-one had no effect at all).

Ch. 3: Read My Hips: Understanding Women and Attraction

• Women determine which men approach them, and men subconsciously pick up on when they are being invited or discouraged.
• Women are attracted to symmetric faces and social dominance. You can’t change your face, but you can appear more socially dominant by maximizing your space usage: arm over your chair, etc. Do not cross your arms or cross your feet at the knees; “closed” positions do not signal social dominance. Glancing and meeting people’s eyes signals social dominance as well. Intra-gender touching (e.g. slapping another guy on the back) also signals social dominance. Confidence is also attractive. Stand up straight and look her in the eyes without fidgeting while talking with her.
• Women signal interest by glancing at someone, fidgeting or caressing an object (like an ear-ring) when looking at them, brushing them lightly as they walk by, walking with swaying hips. Signals of non-interest are facing her body or legs away, not stopping talking with her friends when you come by, doesn’t make eye contact while talking, talks over your head.
• You can’t change her not-interested by being a more interesting person. Move on to someone who is interested. But if consistently no one is signaling interest, change the cues you are sending.

Ch. 4: First Impressions: Do’s and Don’ts of Dating

• If you’re unsure if her looking at you and then away is interest, move to a different location and see what she does.
• You have conversed and you want ask her out. She is more likely to agree if you touch her hand lightly and briefly while you ask.
• Invite her to talk about herself; ask questions and be genuinely interested in who she is. Interrupting, finishing her sentences, or not asking follow-up questions does not make her feel safe. Look her in the eyes (but don’t stare).
• Women want transparency (see: trustworthiness), so be specific in your answers.
• Focus on getting to know her: her interests, travels, bucket list, life-dreams, passions. Who are her friends and what is it that she loves about them? What did she learn at university?
• Women are more interested in collaboration, so don’t just fire back an opposing viewpoint.

Ch. 5: Making Your Move: The Science of Seduction

• Women have a better sense of smell than men, and one of the things they smell is pheromones. Either she likes how you smell or she doesn’t, there’s nothing you can do about that (other than shower, etc.). If your pheromones remind her of her brother, she probably is not going to think you “smell nice”.
• The lips are surprisingly over-represented in connections to your brain, hence kissing. People also remember the first kiss [of a relationship?] in detail, so this is important. [It seems like they assume you’ll be kissing pretty early on.] When she is looking at your lips, and moving your head closer to hers does not result in her moving back, it’s time. But approach slowly, build the anticipation, make her want you more than breathing. And touch her while kissing.

Ch. 6: Is She More Than a Hookup: Reading a Woman’s True Profile

• Oxytocin, which is the hormone responsible for bonding and attachment, is released during orgasm (so, platonic sex is an oxymoron). However, it also impairs judgement [the examples were all relational], so you might want to figure out if the woman you’re dating has good character before you start sleeping with her and impairing your judgement. People don’t change their basic character, so figure that out first.
• We imprint on our parents, especially on our mother early in life, and we tend to be attracted to similar sorts of features (physical and otherwise). People who had close and loving relationships with their parents in the first 18 months have “secure attachment” and tend to be better at conflicts within relationships, while those that do not struggle more. This does not rule anyone out, but it is something to factor in.
• You want to her to have a good heart, mind, and body. If you aren’t attracted in all three, pretty early on, it isn’t going to work.
• Basic types to stay away from:
• Damsel in distress: always needs you to save her from something, has a victim mindset and a list of “bad” men. Sooner or later you’re going to end up on that list.
• Princess: entitled, doesn’t thank you for pulling out the chair, looks down on serving people, etc.
• Competer: tries to one-up you, flirts with other people to make you jealous, perfectionist, might have limited eating preferences, struggles to find enjoyment.
• Drama queen: chaos swirls around her, and there’s always some problem in her life (running out of gas, getting locked out of her house, drama with exes, ...). Maybe have a drug or alcohol abuse problem (check to see if her pupils are larger or smaller than usual).

Ch. 7: Image Is Everything: Understanding How Women View Their Bodies

• Men are judged on their success, but women are primarily judged on whether they are beautiful. They get dozens of messages a day that they need to be beautiful, and the fact is, beautiful people get treated better. Being beautiful is a survival strategy for women. They do not feel that there is any way to build beauty, unlike strength, etc., and they are told that it is inexorably downhill. Furthermore, they are presented with unrealistic images of what beautiful looks like, so they never measure up no matter what they do. Even the models don’t measure up, they get photoshopped.
• Women spend a lot of time getting dressed because they are trying to figure out how to best get judged successful in being beautiful. Does this jewelry match this dress? Does this makeup send the wrong signal?
• So never criticize her appearance, because that cuts particularly deep for a woman.
• She is not going to be comfortable with you enjoying her body if she is not comfortable with her body. There is only so much you can do, but you can tell her how much you think she is beautiful in all situations (just after she woke up, when she’s nursing the baby, etc.). You can show her by not looking at other women. By loving every part of her body.
• Don’t think that modern beauty standards are definitive. After the bubonic plague, pregnant women were beautiful and everyone tried to look fertile. Art has a lot of women who would be “fat” by modern standards. “Thin” only started to be attractive in the 1920s, when the middle class first got enough to eat, and hence it was easy to get fat and thin meant that you had discipline.
• “A woman’s desire is dependent on her feeling desireable.” Her greatest sex organ is her mind, so make her feel your attraction to her.

Ch. 8: Her Body Is a Wonderland : An Anatomy Lesson

• When a woman feels passionate (work, family, you) her body comes alive. She needs to feel connected to feel desire, and she feels connected when you attune to her. She needs to feel emotionally safe with you to feel desire.
• You need to understand what makes her feel connected to you and to your body. Everyone’s orgasm is up to them; her failure to achieve orgasm is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to help get her there.
• Make sure you find her clitoris, and if you aren’t able, ask for directions.
• Men’s erogenous zones are just near the genitals. Women’s erogenous include the stomach, heel, knee, neck. In fact, her whole body is an erogenous zone to some extant. “To truly make love to a woman you have to make love to her whole body with your mind, your eyes, your words, your heart, and your touch.

Ch. 9: Becoming Her Best Ever : A Primer on Passionate Sex

• Most animals have sex quickly, without any love. Be like the porcupine: the male porcupine strokes the female’s face until her quills lower, then he goes around back to check if her quills are down, and if not, comes back and strokes her face some more.
• Men have less prerequisites for sex than women. Women need to feel emotionally safe. But while breastfeeding, or during menopause, they need extra persuading just because of hormonal differences. Don’t take it personally if she isn’t interested.
• People start off asking for sex indirectly early in the relationship, to see if its safe, but as they become more comfortable, the requests are more direct. Men ask more than women, but both men and women says yes at the same rate, about 75% of the time (so: ask if you’re interested). If she says no, that is a good opportunity to ask what she is interested in.
• Women need to feel close and connected to you to have great sex.
• “If men are porn, women are erotica. Sex for women is a story. Remember that you are writing a story in her mind about her, about you, and about your building passion.” (111) Build her anticipation.
• Gaze into her eyes lovingly and passionately (and smile!). Looking into another persons eyes is like social glue.
• Kiss. Kissing is actually more personal than many sexual acts (e.g. a blow job), and people with good relationships kiss each other a lot. Kiss all over her body.
• Don’t just touch her breasts, which you should do delicately. Experiment to see what areas of her body besides her breasts and genitals make her electrified.
• If she arches her back, thrusts her pelvis toward you, or clenches her thighs, keep doing what you are doing. Let her desire feed your desire.
• The clitoris needs to be stimulated for her to eventually have an orgasm. Get okay with oral sex. (Also, idle hands are bad hands) Only 30% of women get orgasm solely from intercourse.
• Don’t just enter and thrust; tease her, vary it up. Don’t just have a routine of kiss, breasts, clitoris, thrusts; keep her guessing.
• Hold her and cuddle her after sex, even if you are really wanting to fall asleep (which is a natural response for men after orgasm), because they generally really enjoy being held after sex. (Actually, you should hold her a lot in general: when she’s happy, sad, scared, whatever.)

Ch. 10: Learn to Fight Like a Girl: Understanding Women and Conflict

• “When conflict happens, a woman wants one thing: a good listener. A woman’s goal in conflict is to be better understood by her partner.” (128)
• There is no set of topics that causes more fights; usually they are about nothing.
• Women generally get angered by powerlessness, injustice [against them], and irresponsibility of others.
• If you aren’t listening to her when she is beginning conflict, she will feel powerless (and get more angry). If you don’t treat her as an equal in decisions she will feel injustice. If you don’t do your share of the housework she we be angry at the irresponsibility of others.
• When men are angry they tend to be directly aggressive: physical, passive aggressive, and taking revenge. Women tend to be indirectly aggressive, so she is more likely to be silent than to yell at you.
• When men feel attacked, they get emotionally flooded, and pay less attention and criticize, defend, stonewall, and use contempt. Those four are death to a relationship. Men make no difference between verbal spears and physical spears (even when misinterpreted).
• “Flooding has three major components: (1) the shock of the attack, (2) emotional shutdown, (3) the inability to self-soothe.
• If you find yourself flooded, take deep breaths (stimulates the vagus nerve, which calms you down) and count to ten. If that still does not work, It is important to take a break from the conflict: say that you need time to cool down, and take a walk or do anything else for thirty minutes (which is about how long it takes). Do anything else (especially physical) but do not think about what she said, that will keep you flooded.
• Women are much better at self-soothing and calming down. They do get flooded if they’ve been traumatized, but it looks like them withdrawing emotionally, with glazed-over eyes. They, too, need to calm down, and feel safe before they can move through conflict in this stage.
• Men who are great at relationships downregulate when she attacks them, and instead try to figure out what the pain is that she is expressing (even if unhelpfully). They ask questions liek"1. What do you need? 2. What are you concerned about? 3. What are you feeling?” (138)

Ch. 11: Why Does It Take So Long to Buy a Pair of Shoes? (Understanding the Evolutionary Importance of Shopping)

• Men were hunters, and even today they hunt down the thing they need to buy and then bring it back home. Women were foragers (gathers); they needed to bring back food, berries, medicines, things to adorn themselves and their dwellings if the tribe was to survive. This meant they needed good memories (where to find things, what things are poisonous, what is needed), and research shows that women will remember 20 things in an unfamiliar room compared to men’s 7.
• Clothes are an important part of women’s appearance. Women see their appearance and sexual desirability as important for keeping their long-term relationships, and in fact, a study showed that the best predictor of the long-term success of a relationship was the woman’s clothes-consciousness.
• Accept that shopping is a creative and important foraging expedition. If you don’t like how long shopping takes, don’t go with her. Or bring a book. (French and German malls have men’s areas that serve beer and such, for this purpose.)

Ch. 12: Best Friends Forever: Understanding Women and Friendship

• Women create social networks to help support themselves and their children. “Tending and befriending” lowers stress in women, so if a woman is stressed, she is going to seek out her friends. Friends are a biological necessity for women.
• Men tend to turn to their wives for emotional support, but women turn to their female friends.
• If you are feeling neglected, tell your wife you want to connect with her more; she understands that.
• Support her in her friendships: take care of the kids so she can be with her friends, etc.

Ch. 13: Is She the One? Understanding Women and Commitment

• Statistically, men want to be committed to one person about the same rate as women do.
• Three stages of love:
1. Limerence: this is feeling “in love”. This happens from a strong cocktail of hormones, when someone feels right to you. It’s great when the feeling is reciprocated, and painful otherwise. However, it is not necessary nor sufficient for lasting love; cultures with arranged marriages do not necessarily have the limerence stage (but they do have ways for the potentials to signal disinterest to the families). This stage is not a good place to make long-term decisions, because the hormonal cocktail causes you to ignore red flags.
2. Building trust: after the hormones settle down, then you start building trust with each other, which is the essential foundation of a relationship. (Relationships that fail are always because of broken trust.) Arguments in this stage are about “will you be there for me?”.
3. Building loyalty: you have decided to commit to one person. “You are committed to another person’s well-being as much as you are committed to your own.”
• You cannot get to this stage if you are not committed to monogamy, since it leaves open the possibility of limerence with someone not your partner. The hormones are selective and powerful. Studies show that people co-habitating look less like married couples as time goes on. But you can have a lifetime of love and happiness if you are willing to give up the possibility of others and work on a relationship with one.
• You cannot actually marry just anyone; there has to be a certain “rightness” about it, and if there isn’t, skills cannot overcome that. When it is the right person, you feel natural together, and you feel like the best version of yourself when you are around them (and vice-versa). “You will know she’s the one if she makes you feel like you are your best self, and you feel more alive, more adventurous, joyful, and loved when you are with her.” (173)
• You don’t have to be “compatible” in your interests, but you do need to be compatible in how you express emotions, affection (one reserved person and one expressive person will have a lot to overcome) and conflict.

Ch. 14: Mother Nature: Understanding Women and Children

• Mothers have a biological drive to bond with their children and do anything to ensure their success. From pregnancy they build a “motherhood constellation”, of which you, the father, are a large part. You may feel a little neglected, since she’s fallen in love with this baby, and that is natural. The solution is building a bond with the baby, too.
• Fathers are better at play (2/3 of children choose fathers over mothers to play with) as they change the game if the child (or the father) gets bored—play is supposed to be fun—which makes things unexpected, and they tend to become the truck, not just play with it.
• Fathers tend to push their children to become better/more; the mother stands underneath the jungle gym to catch the child if they fall, but the father tends to climb above and invite them upwards.
• A child’s IQ is higher, their grades are better, and they are more relationally successful later on, when their dads are involved early in their lives.
• “[M]en are the critical factor when it comes to making a family life and a romantic life that continues to be fun, adventurous, and a true partnership. Yes, there are more demands on your time when a child or children enter the picture, but you can fight it or you can roll up your sleeves and become a partner in this wild and fabulous adventure called family life.” (182)